Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
