he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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