Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize