based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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