I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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