If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I cockslap morals
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
