I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize