Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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