Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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