I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
