I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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