Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
