She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
