You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
