we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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