Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
