I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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