dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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