I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
