Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
