I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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