She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
