I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
