You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
