she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
