OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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