They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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