My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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