I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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