i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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