I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
