fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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