im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
