Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
