The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
