All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
God I need to hump something, right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
