My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
