someone get that fucking seahorse.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
