Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
