My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
