youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
3pm strippers are depressing
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
