Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
