I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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