I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Randomize
