I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
