What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
