My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
