i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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