Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
