Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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