I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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