He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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