i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hippo gnu deer
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
