Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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