At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
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