There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
