life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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