i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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