I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
