I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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